In the first place we must differentiate sincerity from sincericide ; know what the first consists of and what the second means, because these two terms are currently being confused and mixed with each other.
Being sincere does not mean expressing everything that is thought, without a filter , valuing only what one feels and considers appropriate to express. That is sincericide, which consists of saying everything you want without any kind of tact and without valuing the usefulness of the information.
When talking about sex, better use the positive tone.
On the contrary, sincerity refers to expressing what we feel and think before asking ourselves if it is going to be useful, positive and/or necessary information for the other person or for us.
So it’s time to start changing and abandon the expression of “I’m being honest, I know it hurts, but I like to say things”, because when we commit a sincerity we are being selfish , all we want is to “vomit” that information or download those feelings without considering the weight they may have for the other person or the emotional repercussions they may have.
Also, now the idea that in sex everything has to be expressed and talked about, that things have to be said, is becoming fashionable. But there is no talk of what to say or how to say it , and that is the most important thing of all.
Jorba advises thinking about what and how to say it before speaking.
The keys to express yourself in the intimate field
If we want to express something in the intimate field, the first thing is to be clear that it must be stated in a positive tone , that there cannot be a negative comment and that a positive suggestion should be made. If we can’t express something positively, it may not be necessary to say it.
On the other hand, sometimes it is not necessary to verbally express what we think or feel. Communication is very necessary, of course, but there are many ways to communicate besides verbal. In sex we can guide, we can propose , and so on. And perhaps in this way the other party will already be understanding the message that we don’t like something or that we prefer something else.
Another important idea to combat is knowing how to do or have good sex or be good in bed . None of these concepts exists, because nobody is good or bad, but depending on who you are with, there will be one sensation or another. If we match the tastes and practices with the other person, sexuality will be wonderful. And if not, perhaps that experience is not one of the best, but it does not mean that you cannot work or cause coupling with the experience. Therefore, “you have to improve X thing or learn X another” are statements that should not be made in the field of sexuality.
Past experiences, the worst sincericide.
The worst sincericide: talk about previous experiences
In any case, the most negative thing about sincericide is talking about previous experiences. Of course we can express what we have experienced, our sexual past , but always in a general way, transferring the idea but without going into details, also assessing whether this information is useful and valid or not. And more if what we are expressing is something positive from the past that can generate insecurity or discomfort in the current couple.
What is the point of talking about the past? What is achieved with it? Normally more things are lost in the now than are gained . Sometimes it is done to show importance, to “sell” oneself. But the best way to do it is simply by being yourself, working on your own self-esteem and not looking for reinforcement in the past.
Therefore, we must learn to filter the information, to assess its usefulness, to know if it is necessary to express something or we can direct it in another way . And also to see if a time of connection and joint experience is needed before reaching conclusions and talking about certain aspects, because sometimes the practice provides knowledge and, with it, greater pleasure and enjoyment.